Bonus 2: Queen of Farts

Queen of Farts
by
Matt Zurbo

Now here’s how good rumours start
(Boy pointing finger in the air. Dog, sitting, watching him.)

The Queen of Hearts, I’m told,
(A Queen of Hearts card walking past him, nose in the air. In her hand, held daintily, she has a bubble maker.)

likes to blow farts!
(Queen of Hearts, nose on the air, is holding bubble stick behind her bottom, which is blowing fart bubbles.)

Yes, the Queen of Hearts
does farts,
(Bubbles drifting across double page. Kid and dog watching them go.)

on people in the arts,
(Bubbles popping on musicians, painter, opera singer and clown, who are all disgusted. One is running away from an un-popped bubble.)

and those who eat tarts,
(Boy and Dog watching people with mouths open wide, about to eat tarts, copping a mouthful as bubbles pop all around them.)

and garbos,
(Garbage man is carrying garbage bin overflowing with garbage, and dead fish. Even cat is repelled by him. Woman garbo is in front, stiff as a board, dropping bin, being blown back by popping bubble.)

and larks!
(Queen of Hearts at end, using a fan to blow fart bubbles, that are drifting across building site.)

There’s no point
putting her in a deck!
(Queen of hearts standing in front of rest of deck, all standing in front of each other – like a deck)

One little POP,
will leave them a wreck!
(Queen of Hearts with thumb in mouth, billowing cheeks, other cards scattering EVERYWHERE!)

If you try to fart
like the Queen of Hearts,
(Boy, embarrassed, holding up soiled undies.People holding noses, walking away)
you’ll just end up lonely!

Best defend her,
(Queen of Hearts, Boy and Dog on top of a big bubble, Queen is aloft, Boy and Dog either side, pegs on their noses, fighting off angry building sight workers below.)

befriend her,
(Boy and Dog, running, bringing her bowls of beans.)

give her undies all holey!
(Boy holding up undies full of holes, Queen clasping hands in delight.)

So the crowd will depart,
(Queen of Hearts, undies on, farting, but there is a fart cloud for each hole, sending everybody back.)
the next time she farts!

They might come at you with hoses,
(Bottom of page filled with people and animals and cards, all with angry or disgusted faces, one with a gas mask on. Behind/above them, two or three fireman being flung about by hoses too full of water to control.)
all striking poses,

but with the Queen of Hearts,
and her farts,
(Boy and Dog clutching either side of Queen of Hearts, watching everyone tumble backwards with the power of her farts.)

life will be roses!
(Queen of Hearts is smelling a rose while lying back on big bubble, floating above water. Queen is propped up by her elbows. Boy and Dog on her lap, Boy is sniffing a rose. Dog has fishing line dangling off the side, but also sniffing a rose.)

 

 

The End

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