Day 20: Ding, Ding!

Ding, Ding!
by
Matt Zurbo

If I was a tram driver, haha, how cool would that be!
(Kid watching tram driver from inside the tram.)

I’d replace that annoying bell –ding-ding- with a foghorn –buuuuurrrrrrrrr-, or a steam train whistle –Wheeeeeeeeeee!
(Tram as seen from street, huge whistle and foghorn, going off, Sound slightly lifting a car or two.)

If I was a tram driver who replaced his bell with a foghorn, I would press the lever after most people were home asleep, sending its sound out, like childhood dreams, through the silent, dark, side streets.
(Tram, as seen from small, dark side street, decked out to look like a pirate ship, complete with plank, cannons out of windows, and pirate flag, and big foghorn on top)

If I was a tram driver I’d play really dramatic music over the loud speakers, complete with helicopter noises, “Du Du’da-dahhh dahhh!” we’d boldly slide along the street!
(People all around, caught in peek hour, would get super confused)

If I was a tram driver I’d put zoo noises over the loud speakers.
(Tram in peek hour, zoo animals mixed in with traffic, kid looking out of window. most people startled.)
The commuters I’d like the most, would be the ones who simply shut their eyes and believed.

If I was a tram driver, I’d put alien sounds on my speakers, and watch everybody freak out!
(Aliens ships around/above tram)

If I was a tram diver, I’d play soothing sounds, of the bush,
(Tram going over grassy hill clearing, wind-blown trees and bush, bellbirds and wallabies and wombats everywhere.)

or surf.
(Tram at terminal that bunts onto beach, with umbrellas out front, commuter or two in banana lounges, kid behind driver’s controls with sunnies on. Surfers running with boards to waves)

If I was a tram driver, I’d paint my tram like a rocket! Then get everybody on it to push back in their seats, as if going really, really fast!
(As described)

If I was a tram driver, I’d use it to go back in time.
(From inside, commuters looking at dinosaurs, including up-close t-rex.)
But not too far back! Yikes!

Then forward just for laughs.
(Commuters walking out of tram, very confused, surrounded by futuristic flying cars, and futuristic people walking using hover-shoes.)

If I was a tram driver, I’d invite all my friends on. We’d have birthday parties, and sing-alongs!

If I was a tram driver I’d turn it into a moving market once a week!

If I was a tram driver, I’d get the Italian lady from next door to cook on it now and then.
(The smell of pasta and fresh tomatoes off the vine would drive everybody wild!)

Then I’d invite on a Thai chef, and a Lebanese cook, and good old Aussie barbecue, all at once!

And replace the bell with the sound of a wet fart, then let kids press it as much as they want.
(Kids pressing button, laughing their heads off)

If I was a tram driver, once a week I’d say, ‘Musicians only, please!”
(Commuters on ground, looking up at entrance, kid, in driver’ outfit, way too big, holding hand out to say ‘No’. Behind him, crammed on the tram, are musicians, including a tuba.)

(Double page spread of tram, overflowing with musicians, instruments hanging out of windows, as it drives alone. Everybody in street dancing, or looking startled/amused.)

By the time night fell, only a piano player and cellist would be left. I’d ask them to play something slow and sad.
(Homeless person rugged up, but with melancholy smile.)

If I was a tram driver, I’d try and take my tram where it cannot go…
(Tram driving through cane fields, small cane trains going other way. Sugar cane workers plying their trade, loading cane carriages in background.)

If I was a tram driver, I’d turn it into a home. Mum and Dad could come. We’d put up photos and stuff and walk the dog by letting it run behind.
(Tram with patchwork wooden extensions/balcony, pot plants, welcome mat, curtains, dog kennel on wheels, being pulled behind by rope. Inside you can see coat rack, small telly, etc. The postie would be on his scooter, reaching with mail, to put it into letterbox protruding from back of tram, dog chasing him.).

If I was a tram driver, I’d drive it down to that one spot, where the tracks go through a park.
Then stop.
We’d all get out and have fun…
Whether we were in a rush or not!
(Tram at tram stop where the tram line cuts through a park, everybody pouring out, in business suits, school uniforms, etc… throwing ball for dog, on swing, playing catch, holding hands, pointing to passing bird, whatever.)

The End
(Final image of kid, small, happily shaking hand with big overweight tram driver.)