Day 287: Billy Bump

Billy Bump
Matt Zurbo


(Billy looking at reader, but walking into a light pole.)

Sorry, that’s Billy Bump. He means well, he just – HEY, BE CAREFUL!
(Billy watching a bee, tripping on gutter.)

We all like him, it’s just that – OH NO!
(Billy tripping in canteen line, sending the lunch trays of everybody around him into the air.)

You think that’s bad? When Billy Bump is at the park… YO! LOOK OUT!
(Billy, roller skates on, legs in the air, startle expression, causing all the skateboarders and scooter rides to crash.)

In a crowd he’s like a pinball. I mean – OI! I CAN’T LOOK!
(Billy on a crowded street, rolling through, knocking into people like tenpins. Fire hydrant, traffic light, bin, all the solid object he hits light up like with a pinball. One stop sign is saying TILT! A drain with the manhole cover off is in his path.)

The doctors are sick of Billy Bump!
(Billy covered in bandages, and a lump on his head, accidentally knocking over a plasma stand. Doctor lunging to save it from falling over.)

His mum worries a lot.
(Billy wrapped in big and small pillows and kneepads, helmet, with another pillow tied to top, etc… Mum clasping her hands with worry.)

She tried to get him work at the circus… “Maybe you’re meant to bump into things…” she said.
(Billy dressed as clown, stumbling through base drum, blowing over other clowns, causing juggler to fumble everything, bumping into magician, cards falling out of sleeves, rabbits and doves out of hat. Ringleader, fortune teller and strongman are chasing him.)

(Billy looking back at girl in feathers singing, walking into centre pole of Big Top, causing tightrope artists to fall.)

(Big Top collapsing.)

“I can’t help it!” Billy Bump says. “It’s almost like there’s a butterfly in my face, and I have to follow it!”
(Billy, mouth open, tripping as he looks up/follows a blimp. Everybody running after him, hands outstretched, trying to stop him doing damage to himself.)

Hm. A butterfly. Best we have a think about this.
“Hey! Not fair!”
(Billy dangling, held off ground by a rope, while other kids, hands on chins, think.)

I’ve got it! Let’s get Billy to play footy with us!
“Are you NUTS!?” cried the other kids.
Trust me.
(Main kid, talking to other kids in footy gear, boys and girls, while Billy, in his footy gear, putting on shoe, slips, sending shoe into air.)

Sure, we never win! The other team are always picking on us!
(Other team lines up, facing reader, hunched, fingers clawed, pulling faces, snarling, etc…)

A good start, not!
(Our team running onto oval. Billy tripping, landing on belly.)

GAH! They’re on our side, Billy!
(Billy crashing into player from his side, ball spilling loose to other team.)

Quick, while the umpire is not looking!
(Main kid, and a teammate, hunched over ball, one of them looking back over shoulder, while other is secretly drawing a butterfly on it.)

“Hey, is that a…?”
It’s working…!
(Billy, curious expression, eyes squinting, reaching for ball, bowling over opposition players as he goes.)

(Billy tripping on/kicking ball forward.)

(Billy bumping into players left and right as he chases ball.)

(Billy falling through air towards ball.)

(Billy, all awkward, arm over head, head over heels, foot in air, boot hitting ball, which is going through for a goal.)

Okay, that’s enough now, Billy.
(Team celebrating, only one of them noticing Billy still chasing ball down hill next to oval.)

Stop Billy…
(Billy bumping through foot traffic, causing kid to let go of kite, someone else to fall of bike, He is knocking a mugger into water, as he chases ball onto pier.)

(Bowling over people on boarding plank as he chase ball onto boat.)

(Boat setting sail.)

I can’t look.
(Boat sinking.)

That’s okay, Billy. We all are what we are. And you’re BILLY BUMP!!
(Billy sitting, waterlogged, on ground, with lifebuoy around him, ball in hand, and broad grin, one tooth missing. Four of five of teammates standing either side of him, happy.)

Thanks to you, we won!
(Text, white page. The End at bottom of it, which Billy is bumping into, spilling footy from his hands.)


The End

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