Day 175: Dad Jokes

Dad Jokes
by
Matt Zurbo

 

Lily Loop liked a lot of things in life.
(Happy little ratbag girl.)

Hugs.
(Hugging startled Dad.)

The Sydney Swans!
(Footballer, dragging one leg, looking down at Lily, wrapped around leg, hugging it, looking up with admiration, Dad reaching to drag her away.)  

Playing her keyboard!
(Deadpan, one finger pressing down.)

Telling stories and being funny.
(Dad and Lily walking, Dad smiling, Lily, arms and face animated, eyes wide, growling, telling a tale.)

But, mostly, she loved her Dad’s dad jokes. 
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Dad asked.
“Why?” Lily would always roll her eyes.
“Because trolls ate all the bridges!”
(Dad holding arms out, like ‘Ta-dah!’. Lily looking at him.)

Lily would…
GROAN!
(Lily slapping her face, groaning so loud it is knocking her Dad back.)

Then laugh her belly off!
(Lily laughing hard, Dad, on ground, awkwardly smiling.)

Sometimes, Lily wouldn’t even get Dad’s joke.
“Why dig the Chick-pen crop the toad?”
(Dad acting like a toad. People looking in confusion as they pass. Lily doubled over with laughter.)
“It was dyslexic!”
But the WAY he told it…

BEST, was how he somehow always told dad jokes at the wrong moments.
“Two biscuit are about to be baked. One says: Well, this looks like the end for us. The other says: WOW! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! A TALKING BISCUIT!”
(Dad standing in front to footy on television.)

“Why did the dinosaur eat the chicken?”
”There was no more turkey!”
(Dad whispering joke to Lily at a funeral. Lily’s face is red, holding laughter in. Ffft… coming out of closed lips.)

And, BEST of the BEST…?
(Dad talking casually to Lily, while discretely cupping his hands behind his bottom. Small puff of fart.)
“What’s a present you cannot touch or keep, but you will remember forever?”

Fart jokes!
(Dad, eyes wide with excitement, un-cupping his hand under Lily’s nose. Lily reeling back in disgust!)

Dad once ‘told’ Lily a fart joke in a lift!
(Dad and Lily in middle of people in crowded lift. Everybody board. Dad biting tongue in concentration as he draws on his pointer finger with a pen.)

“Cough. Ahem…”
(Dad, face expressionless, holding one hand in discrete coughing motion over mouth, putting finger next to Lily’s face. He has drawn a face on it, and used a bit of wire to wrap around finger, the wire’s other end holding up a small paper talk balloon, with the words: DON’T pull me! Lily still facing forward, eyes looking sideways at finger. Can just make out a few people behind them looking nervous.)

Dad joke. Tick!
Wrong time and place. Tick!
Fart joke. Tick!
(Lift door open, people running out. Dad and Lily still in lift, puffs of fart around them. Lily is still holding his finger, but is on the floor, laughing so much she has peed herself.)
Sometimes, life couldn’t get better!

They even made up a joke together.
”Why did the chicken cross the road?” asked Dad.
“Fart,” said Lily.
”Yep, fart building!”
(Dad giving Lily a piggyback. Both laughing lots. A pedestrian scratching his head as he passes.)
It made no sense, but SO WHAT!?

Ruby Killjoy was jealous of Lily and her Dad.
(Pretty, but sour girl.)

“My Dad’s a comedian. He’s funnier,” Ruby bragged.
(Ruby and her Dad, chest out, telling a joke into a microphone. A crowd is laughing hard. Lily is in front of Ruby, watching, expressionless.)

“He won the Funniest Dad Jokes in the World Competition,” Ruby boasted. “Three times!”
(Lily and Dad, expressionless, looking straight up at Ruby’s Dad on stage, telling joke in a talk-bubble. “Why did the chicken cross the road? It was in the cat’s belly!”)

(Lily, face so deadpan and drawn, it’s almost comical.)

“Why aren’t you laughing?” Ruby protested. “My Dad’s timing was perfect.”
“Sure,” said Lily.
”He looked smart.”
”You bet.”
”He even told the same joke your dad tells all the time!”
(Lilly and Ruby talking. Lily’s Dad walking into frame/arriving.)

“Yeah,” said Lily. “Your dad may be funnier…”
(Lily’s Dad, every bone awkward and funny, eyes goggled, is saying in a talk balloon: Why did the chicken cross the road…?”)

“Your dad may be a comedian…”
(Lily’s Dad body contorted as he pokes is neck up as high as it will go, saying in a talk balloon, small, as if in a whisper: It was sick of chicken jokes.)

”Your dad may make more people laugh…”
(Dad and Lily rolling on ground laughing.)

“Your dad may have better timing…”
(Dad and Lily, bums out, farting as they hug with love.)

“But he’s NOT MY DAD!”
(Dad and Lily rolling around laughing again.)

(Dad giving Lily a shoulder ride as they are walking away and to the right of reader. Dad letting out a little fart.)

 

The Ends.
(Words in middle of page. Can just make out Lily’s bum on one side, Dad’s on the other, one farting into a trumpet, the other a tuba.)