Dedicated with love and admiration to my wife, who puts up with more than 100,000 people should. xoxox
Did you hear the one about the fly that flew half way around the world, then decided it was too far, so flew back?
Some say this glass is half full, some say it’s half empty. But what of?
If it was snot, would that change your answer?
Besides, how BIG is the glass?
I mean, if you were in it with sharks, it would feel half full!
(Person in 20ft half-full glass with sharks.)
If you were in it with a thousand fish and an octopus, it would feel half empty.
(Man crushed with fish and octopus.)
If you came to me with a half baked idea, I’d want to know which half!
(Man in middle. Kid with blueprint for a vegemite-powered rocket on his left. Kid with blueprint of rocket crashing into moon’s eye on right.)
If a half moon is a half moon because the Earth is blocking half its light, isn’t the Earth round? Why is the line straight?
I’ve half a mind to find out if I have half a mind. WHO INVENTS THESE SAYINGS!?
(Person, dizzy, holding half a brain.)
Why are there so many half creatures in mythology? Griffins, mermaids, minotaurs, Bacchus, Sphinx…
Those horsey-men things…
How funny would it be if their halves were switched!?
(Line-up of said creatures, mermaid has walrus top half, woman’s bottom, Sphinx is man on all fours, with lion’s head, others in same situation.)
Would a reverse Pegasus be a wingless eagle that does horse poo?
Sometimes I wonder how many stories only got half way through…
(Red riding hood, axe-man and big wolf all standing on edge of/looking down a limitless drop.)
Maybe the ideas ran out…
Maybe the person ran out of time…
Maybe they died, or moved to Perth.
If I had half a cent for ever half funny joke I’ve heard I’d be half a trillion dollars richer!
(Bully slapping knee, crying with laughter. Other kid looking deadpan at reader.)
If they say “You aren’t half bad…” Does that mean you’re good, or fully bad?
I’d be fully confused.
Sometimes I think in half a second I’ll be half a chance to be half alive.
(Riding a bike blindfolded along a wall.)
I’ve never been one to do things half-hearted.
We could argue forever about the odds of all that!
I like music that leaves me half deaf!
Imagine if you planned to write 365 kids books in 365 days!
Poetic stories, funny stories, stupid stories, sad stories, dumb stories, adventure stories, rhyming stories…
What a half-baked idea!
(Man, hunched over, writing with all sorts of characters and creatures coming from his exploding head.)
You would write them half asleep,
(Muddy work clothes on, sitting on rock on lunch break, falling asleep pen and pad in hand while others eat.)
(Lying on mattress on floor, face down, arm off side, still writing.)
(In hospital, with bandage on head, on drip, still writing.)
(On tropical beach, biting tongue, writing in pad, while holding leg up with baby dangling off it, just keeping it above snapping crab.)
(Thick gear on, hunched, writing while sitting with view, baby playing with Mum. Snow falling.)
sometimes half nowhere…
(Ute, packed with family belongings, in red desert, under sole tree. Mum and Baby resting. Dad sitting back to ute, writing.)
half way through the night…
(Moon out, zombie-like at computer. Clock says 3am. Baby and wife sleeping.)
At 182 stories it would feel like half a lifetime,
(Person carrying 183 (or so) books, piled so high in hands they can’t see, one foot up high, moving forward.)
but you would only be on the cusp of half way!
“That’s okay,” you would shrug. “Getting there is half the fun!”
(Baby crushing sand castle in sandpit. Dad, big smile, writing in pad while dancing. Words in old typewriter typeface, above the image… Then the big pink monster crushed the… Mum smiling, watching. Behind them is their ute, packed for the open road.)