Day 356: The Longest Fart

The Longest Fart
by
Matt Zurbo

 

This is a story of the life of Fred. And the World’s Longest Fart.
But mostly, the life of Fred.
And a fart.

Fred was a young boy, when he started a fart that lasted forever.
(Kid, chest out, pointing with thumb to himself.)

His dad was a cleaner. When Fred came with him to work one day, he ate some beans that belonged to a scientist.
The beans multiplied each time they got wet!
(Scientist working. Diagram shows beans multiplying. Freddy behind him, eating Sample A and B. Sample C still overflowing on plate.)

And tummy is full of liquids!
At first Fred felt a rumble…
(Kid goggling eyes.)

Then a grumble…
(Kid looking comically serious, holding belly with one hand, other hand over bottom.)

Then, as he tried to run out of class…
(Class kids all in seats, turning heads to watch Fred launching through the air, fart cloud behind him.)

The smell at home was terrible!
(Fred, dejected, eating cereal, Mum and Dad and Dog in gas masks.)

Sleeping was hard.
(Kid, annoyed fart sending bottom into air above bed, blanket and pillows above that. Monsters from under bed are holding their noses, crawling from under bed.)

Dad had to tie Fred down, so he didn’t blow away during the night!
(Kid sitting in bed, looking annoyed as, tied by waist to bed, who bed lifts.)

Sport became easy!
(Fart propelling kid into air to mark ball above others.)

Especially swimming.
(Kid way out in front, one foot above water, swimming motion, fart cloud every three feet behind him.)

Then, Fred farted past a reporter!
(Reporter in front of camera, reporting on juggling dog, as Fred flies by, powered by a series of farts.)

Soon he was famous!
(Fred, on television, wide-eyed, waving at camera, holding ‘Hi Mum!’ placard. Reporter, cameraman and sound-man all chocking on kid’s farts. Audience at home laughing.)

He even did ads!
(Fred eating cereal as he fart-flies through air, smiling to viewer.)

Fred’s agent entered him in the World’s Biggest Fart competition.
(Agent, peg on nose, revving him up, as he looks nervous in a line full of truckies, male and female, wrestlers, etc…)

“There’s no way you can beat Maximus Donk,” his friends said.
(Super big, barrel-chested garbo/Viking.)

“Woh!”
(Maximus fists clenched, squatting a bit, straining, fart blowing back kid’s hair and shirt, sending ripples through his skin.)
“Ahh, put a cork in it!” said Fred.

Ding!
(Kid, head-and-shoulder image, face lighting up, light-bulb above it.)

“Oh, no! I can’t watch!”
(Kid, cork in bottom, bloated like a huge balloon, floating just over other contestants, who all look very scared/nervous.)

Pop.
(Maximus very nervously pulling string attached to cork.)

Plbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbtplbbt!
(Kid deflating like a balloon, flying all over the page.)

Phew.
(Kid, lying flopped over fence, exhausted.)

That night, Freddy had to clean his own jocks!
(Kid perplexed expression, holding up underwear with massive hole in it.)

As Freddy got older, he learned to accept who he was.
(Same face, and hair, now a man, in suit with briefcase, flying through air, propelled by farts, casually waving hello to fellow commuters, who all have pegs on their noses.)

Make the best of it.
(Older still, fart lifting him from seat at work desk. Sit writing, but most of his papers flying everywhere.)

Eventually, farting exhausted him a bit.
(Old now. Holding finger out, which grandson is very nervously about to pull.)
The family didn’t mind too much. Freddy brought laugher! Happiness! 

“I taught them everything they know…”
(Now very old, standing around as kids, with pegs on noses, as they laugh and strain and run around and fart.)

Right to the end, Freddy still liked playing tricks!
(Everyone pulling back as coffin is propelled into the air by a fart.)

 

 

The End

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